Phrases That Make You Sound Passive-Aggressive (Even If Unintentionally)

Somewhere between being so passive that people walk all over you and so aggressive that you drive everyone away lies the annoying behavior known as passive-aggressiveness. Far from the healthy middle ground of assertiveness, passive-aggressiveness involves communicating your negative feelings in a roundabout way rather than being open about how you feel. A common trait of two-faced people, passive-aggressiveness is frustrating for others because there are clearly issues that should be addressed, but they end up swept under the rug. Some passive-aggressive behaviors are obvious — think saying "fine" and then slamming the door — but with others, you might not even realize they're problematic.

In an exclusive conversation with Glam, New York City-based neuropsychologist and Comprehend the Mind director Dr. Sanam Hafeez shares that some common phrases can actually make people appear passive-aggressive, even if that's not their intention. For example, Dr. Hafeez explains that saying, "It's no big deal," can be problematic, as it can "downplay concerns while signaling underlying frustration." Similarly, "I'll just do it myself" may also be passive-aggressive if not said in a genuine way. "The statement shows hidden resentment because the person feels unsupported but chooses not to ask for assistance directly," Dr. Hafeez says.  Essentially, these lines — and a few other similar examples — show negative feelings such as frustration, resentment, or disapproval but carry no willingness to unpack any of that. Luckily, Dr. Hafeez has a few more helpful phrases that you can swap with these if you feel them on the tip of your tongue. 

Whether in a romantic or platonic relationship, difficult conversations will inevitably arise. You may be reluctant to bring up issues if your goal is to avoid arguing, but sooner or later, underlying problems need to be brought to the surface (and there can even be benefits to arguing with your partner). So, it's important to get into the habit of airing your true feelings, even regarding smaller issues, rather than simply saying what the other person wants to hear and harboring secret resentment. 

To that end, Dr. Sanam Hafeez advises against saying, "Fine. Who cares?" as this "phrase typically indicates frustration or disengagement instead of genuine consent." Instead, the neuropsychologist recommends trying, "Right now I'm frustrated, but let's discuss this later," as "this approach allows for meaningful communication while acknowledging the problem." Similarly, saying, "It's no big deal" can be an indirect way of saying that it absolutely is a big deal, but you're unwilling to discuss it. Dr. Hafeez suggests something like "I'm currently upset about this situation and I want to discuss it further" instead, so you're being honest about your feelings.

Sometimes, you may end up saying what's on your mind out of frustration but try to take it back quickly so you can avoid getting into the issue or, if you've said something hurtful, consequences. So, "I was just joking" or similar attempts to play off true feelings as untrue can also make you look passive-aggressive. If you do end up being aggressive with a comment that's out of line, the best move, Dr. Hafeez tells us exclusively, is to own it and acknowledge the damage done to the other person. "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings," she recommends saying instead. "I apologize if my words made you feel that way."

Even with the love of your life, your best friend, or a beloved family member, you will disagree sooner or later. You're allowed to have those disagreements, and it's better to be upfront about them than disingenuously saying, "Do whatever you want." According to Dr. Sanam Hafeez, that's another problematic phrase that can look passive-aggressive if you don't genuinely mean it. "[This] often implies disapproval while avoiding direct confrontation," she explains exclusively to Glam. Instead, she recommends saying, "My opinion is different but I would like to understand your thoughts," as it "expresses disagreement while encouraging collaboration."

Along the same lines, when you're starting to resent a loved one because you don't feel like they're supporting you, the neuropsychologist suggests voicing that rather than saying something like "I'll just do it myself." If you mean it, that's fine, but otherwise, she notes that "the statement shows hidden resentment because the person feels unsupported but chooses not to ask for assistance directly." Don't be afraid to ask for help in this case: Dr. Hafeez lists "Could you help me with this? I'd really appreciate it" as an appropriate substitute. "This statement functions as an obvious plea for assistance instead of expressing dissatisfaction," she says.

If you're on the receiving end of passive-aggressive behavior from a loved one, Dr Hafeez points out that it's crucial to stay calm and collected. "A phrase like, 'I recognize your frustration and I want to understand what you're experiencing' can be helpful," she explains. "Encourage them to express their feelings by asking sincere, but not argumentative questions. By giving them attention, they feel understood and redirect the conversation towards finding solutions." She notes that a line like, "Let's find a way to work through this," can help to keep confrontations from escalating. 

Now, check out our guide on how to navigate a relationship with a passive-aggressive partner for more tips on dealing with this frustrating behavior.