What Kissing Can Tell You About Your Relationship

There are many metrics for tracking the health and happiness of a relationship. Some people might gauge romantic success by sweet gifts or gestures, others feel most stable when there's plenty of shared quality time, and, of course, there's the personal but sometimes quite revealing question of how often you're intimate with a partner. But have you ever considered what kissing says about your relationship?

Spoiler alert: It can reveal more than you might expect. As relationship expert Lorraine McGinlay told BBC Scotland, kissing "shows passion, intimacy, desire, and how much you adore a person. ... It boosts your happy hormones — dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin — and helps us feel connected. It helps you bond with the other person."

Of course, there are various ways to smooch someone, and there can be unique meanings to decode behind the different types of kisses. However, some kissing trends seem to have widespread and even scientifically backed implications. From the unspoken, make-or-break quality of first kisses to kissing schedules that indicate either closeness or drifting apart, those fond smacks can provide a lot of insight into the state of your romance.

Have you ever locked lips with a potential partner — maybe even someone you genuinely liked — only to realize that there was no spark? We put a lot of stock in the idea of romantic chemistry, but it turns out that there's some scientific weight behind this concept. A 2007 study originally published in Evolutionary Psychology polled over 1,000 college students and found that many respondents had kissed someone they felt attracted to only to immediately lose interest. "While many forces lead two people to connect romantically, the kiss, particularly the first kiss, can be a deal breaker," said evolutionary psychologist Gordon G. Gallup, Jr., one of the study's authors, in a press release from the University at Albany.

Gallup explained this finding further, arguing that the importance of a first kiss isn't just mental or emotional — it's also biological. "When two people kiss there is a rich and complicated exchange of information involving chemical, tactile, and postural cues," he extrapolated. "This may activate evolved mechanisms that function to discourage reproduction among individuals who are genetically incompatible." In other words, the simple act of kissing someone may provide your body with subconscious cues about whether they're a good reproductive match or not.

When it comes to kissing, particularly in the early days of a flirtation, subconscious signals aren't the only clues toward compatibility. A partner's perceived make-out skills can also skew their desirability, affecting whether your relationship takes a turn for the intimate or stays strictly in the friend zone.

A 2014 study published in Evolutionary Psychology explored the link between someone's kissing abilities and their attractiveness. First, researchers had 724 participants rate hypothetical partners based on written descriptions, some of which included a note on kissing ability. These good kissers were rated higher for activities like going on dates and "casual sex situations," especially by women.

Taken on its face, this isn't exactly groundbreaking: People would rather hook up with someone who's good at it. Seems reasonable. But it also underscores the importance of skill and technique. When trying to foster a romantic connection, it's not just about the type of kiss you share; it's also about the quality of that kiss. On the upside, this isn't the only factor in a satisfying partnership — even if you're not a fantastic kisser, you can improve other things to become a better lover in your relationship.

Sometimes, life gets busy, and all of its obligations and mundanities can seem to leach the magic out of your relationship, especially if you've been together for a long time. According to CBS News, one survey by the British Heart Foundation even found that 18% of married couples can go a week or more without kissing. However, researchers suggest that making room in your schedule for a few deep kisses can reveal and improve a powerful connection with your significant other.

A study in the Western Journal of Communication asked participants in committed relationships to increase their regularity of romantic kissing for a six-week period. They found that more kissing equated to not only physical changes like lower stress and cholesterol but also to higher relationship satisfaction. Sex and relationship therapist Alix Agar seconded this concept in conversation with The Knot, stating that kissing promotes intimacy and affection while solidifying a relationship's bonds. "As the saying goes, 'couples who kiss more, stay together longer,'" said Agar.

If your current kissing schedule is a little sparse, don't panic. We all get sucked in by familiarity and sometimes take our partners for granted. But now that you've noticed, taking a mindful approach can make all the difference. Being deliberate about intimacy — and physical gestures of affection like kissing — is among the easy ways to surprise your partner and add more romance to your relationship.

Are you in a relationship where there's no necking? While a gradual decrease in physical affection is normal, if your partner has suddenly stopped kissing you or resists efforts to rekindle the habit, there could be underlying factors at play. As marriage counselor Melody Khloe, PhD, wrote in a June 2024 Medium article, a partner who won't kiss you could be an indicator of growing "emotional distance," the stagnant energy of your shared daily routine, or an insecurity about their kissing game. Khloe also points out that it could be a health or hygiene issue. Consider having a tactful talk with your partner to find out if they're experiencing any discomfort that could be fixed with one or both of you using some new wellness products or taking a trip to the doctor.

Another, more catastrophic possibility for a lack of kissing is guilt or avoidance from an unfaithful partner, but there's no reason to jump straight to this conclusion unless you have other evidence. Instead, focus on restoring romance where you can. As life coach and marriage therapist Jaclyn Hunt told Marriage.com, "Kissing is more intimate than any other type of sexual touch because your minds connect in that moment. When kissing is difficult it often means you're not connecting on that level. Find ways to connect that lead to kissing in a natural way. Teamwork often leads to intimacy."

Of course, it's important to note that some people don't like kissing in the first place. There could be various reasons why you hate being kissed that have nothing to do with dissatisfaction in your relationship, but it's important to communicate such preferences honestly to ensure everyone is on the same page and comfortable with the status quo in your romance. This transparency also lets you and your S.O. find other ways to express affection so that no one feels lonely or overlooked.

From style and technique to the frequency of your make-out sessions, kissing can tell you a lot — but it can't tell you everything. For instance, some sexy smooches don't provide a window into your partner's mind, and they certainly don't guarantee that a partner is interested in anything more than physical fun.

The same 2007 survey in Evolutionary Psychology that examined first kisses also found that some people, especially men, used kissing as a gateway to sex or to reconcile with a partner. This was compared to other, typically female respondents who reported seeing kissing as a means to cement and monitor the stability of a relationship. In short, don't read into every kiss. While you might be taking it as a sign of deep emotion, they may be seeing it as pure foreplay.

For more reliable signs of long-term romantic intent, consider your love interest's other, non-physical actions. As licensed marriage and family therapist Anita A. Chlipala explained to Verily, "Someone who wants to keep kissing you is obviously enjoying the kissing and feels some chemistry, [but] if you get a tongue in your ear and a hand creeping up your shirt, it may be he's trying to rush or is just interested in scoring." Chlipala's advice here? "Wait for another real date (not just hanging out), and see if he's consistently in contact with you—not just texting you last minute, asking if you're available to meet up."