Scientifically Proven Reasons We Go Back To Our Exes

There can be various reasons to break up with someone, whether you've drifted apart, your life goals are headed in different directions, or there's been a breach of trust like infidelity. However, not all broken relationships stay gone. Like a zombie rising from the dead or a volcano erupting after eons of dormancy, relationships have a way of reigniting when you least expect it.

Maybe you're the hopeless romantic type who has trouble giving up on people, or perhaps you're trying to curb a toxic cycle of codependency that keeps drawing you back to an ill-matched ex. Old relationships can be tough to shake, even when you know it's for your own benefit. The human temptation to try again is also one of the reasons you should never criticize a bestie's ex after their breakup — you'll just look like a jerk if they get back together.

But why do we put ourselves through so much emotional turmoil? Are our exes really that irresistible? Honestly, it can have less to do with the person themselves and more to do with the complex mental gymnastics it takes to finalize a breakup. From chemical-induced temptations in our brains to the simple comforts of familiarity, there are numerous scientific reasons that running back to an ex can feel easier than writing them off for good.

Loving feelings are often associated with the hearts beating in our chests, but in reality, a lot of those emotions are actually rooted in the mind. Chemical reactions in the brain tell us how to feel and when to feel that way, and when it comes to romance, one major factor is the feel-good chemical dopamine.

As psychologist Francesco Ferrari told Bustle, dopamine is "the brain's way of saying, 'Wake up. Pay attention. This is what's really important.' So you get surges of dopamine whenever you see something that you like or love." When you're in a committed relationship, this can be a helpful mood boost that also reinforces your positive feelings about the romance. But when you break up with a partner, your brain doesn't necessarily get the message to cut off that dopamine response.

"When someone is in the throes of romantic love — when they're, you know, obsessively thinking about the person — they're gonna have surges of dopamine," says Dr. Ferrari. This dopamine rush doesn't discriminate — it can include ruminating over a current partner, a secret crush, or, yes, an ex. "For some people who get addicted ... there might be that temptation to return to those activities or people," Dr. Ferrari adds. In other words, the urge to give your ex one more chance may actually be an addiction-fueled manipulation from your own brain, which is simply trying to satisfy a dopamine craving.

Oxytocin is sometimes called "the love hormone" for its ability to foster affection and other positive feelings, helping us bond with the people we care about. However, research has shown that this hormone doesn't only activate when we're happy in a relationship. A 2017 study published in the journal Hormones and Behavior revealed that oxytocin is also released when a person feels their partner pulling away, as if trying desperately to shore up romantic bonds and salvage the partnership.

As relationship coach Margaret Foley sums this phenomenon up in a YouTube conversation with psychotherapist Craig Kenneth, "You get all set to break up with somebody, and Mother Nature says, 'Think I'll send a shot of oxytocin. Maybe they won't break up.' Now, Mother Nature always wants you to procreate. ... Mother Nature is not in favor of breakups at all."

These oxytocin-driven bonds can continue to linger even after a couple parts ways, making it all too easy to rekindle feelings down the line. "The brain develops pathways based on learned patterns," love expert Helen Fisher, a senior research fellow at Indiana University's Kinsey Institute, told Discover Magazine. "So, if you laid down a powerful pattern that this person was your life partner, your brain can retain traces of that circuitry, even after you've bonded with someone new." That's right: Even a new relationship doesn't completely erase past connections, and with your mind stubbornly holding onto oxytocin-forged bonds among your exes, you might find yourself falling back into old feelings and dynamics — even when you know you shouldn't.

We often talk about closure as being a good thing — the necessary end of an era, situation, or relationship. However, facing the finality of closure can also be difficult, signaling the loss of potential and triggering grief. For some people, avoiding this painful process can be instinctual and subconscious, leading to that on-again, off-again dance that prolongs some breakups.

"Your mind does a lot of things to protect you from feeling pain, and finalizing an ending can be quite painful. Grief is complicated and often felt intensely," psychotherapist Olivia Verhulst wrote for Shape. "Stringing out a breakup by avoidance or going back to an ex gives you a choice in the matter— which can make you feel like you have more control over your grief."

Unfortunately, this isn't the best path toward a healthy relationship, so you'll probably just end up wasting your time. A 2009 study published in Personal Relationships found that people in on-off relationships reported fewer positives like love and understanding and more negatives like poor communication and uncertainty than couples who had never broken up and gotten back together. Long story short? Renewing a relationship that's already past its expiration date may very well leave you worse off than before you split the first time.

They say that it's better to deal with the devil you know than the devil you don't, and facing the unknown can certainly be a scary prospect in the dating world. Some people get worn out with dating altogether, tempting them to think: Why not turn back to a relationship that's comfortable and familiar? It's like the same train of thought that draws you to rewatch "The Office" or "Gilmore Girls" for the umpteenth time instead of taking a risk on a new show — and this brainwave is more common than you might expect.

A 2011 study in The Journal of Social Psychology looked at the motivators that inspired ex-partners to reunite. Familiarity was a deciding factor that pushed nearly 15% of participants back toward an ex the first time, 9.2% of exes for a second time, and 12.5% of exes for a third time. While not every couple plays this on-again, off-again game, familiarity is clearly a factor for those who do.

So, when nostalgia for a past relationship comes knocking, examine it closely. Do you miss the actual person or just the familiarity of their presence in your life? If exhaustion with the dating scene is pushing you toward an ex better left in the past, it may mean you're unconsciously lowering your standards to justify taking them back — one of the sure signs that you should take a break from dating instead.

While lingering attraction or the lure of familiarity can certainly trick us into pursuing an ex by casting a rosy light on the relationship, social psychologist and psychology professor Theresa E. DiDonato, PhD, writes for Psychology Today that some reunions are spurred by less glamorous reasons, like guilt or obligation. Breakups don't always have winners and losers, and sometimes, we fall out of love with a partner who's done nothing wrong. The guilt of hurting someone we still care about, even if not romantically, can create a lot of pressure to try again.

Rebounding back to an ex is also common in abusive relationships. As reported by the National Domestic Violence Hotline, survivors "return to their abusive partners an average of seven times" before finally cutting them off. While this behavior may be difficult to understand from an outside point of view, it's often tied to something called trauma bonding.

Trauma bonding occurs when an abuse survivor still feels tethered to a relationship and partner, even if they're unhappy in the situation. As certified sex therapist Aaliyah Moore explains in 2023 Medium article, "Trauma bonding messes with your head, leaving you wondering why you're still in love with someone who treats you like garbage. It's like your heart and brain aren't on the same page." Even in a best-case scenario, it can be difficult to uphold boundaries when talking to an ex, but you deserve peace and safety. So, if interacting with your ex puts your physical well-being or mental health at risk, you may need to give yourself space and remove temptation by cutting off contact altogether.

If you or someone you know is dealing with domestic abuse, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233. You can also find more information, resources, and support at their website.