The Scientific Reasons Marriages Succeed

You've probably heard the sobering and widely accepted statistic that half of all marriages end in divorce. The good news is that the actual data shows that the real likelihood of divorce is a little more nuanced: According to a 2020 study published in the Journal of Manual & Manipulative Therapy, 41% of first marriages are headed for divorce. This number increases in second and third marriages, which contributes to the persisting idea that any given marriage has a 50/50 chance of surviving. So, while it's not technically true that half of all marriages are doomed, the fact still stands that a significant number of unions do fall apart. Divorce is certainly a process of grief that exes need to work through, and it can happen for a variety of reasons. A 2013 study published in Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice found that some of most common causes of divorce include "infidelity, domestic violence, and substance abuse." Spouses can't control their partner's behavior on these fronts, but research has proven that there are things you can do to increase your chances of a successful, happy marriage. 

If you've ever sought relationship advice, you're probably already familiar with the secret ingredient for a long-lasting marriage: communication. By communicating effectively in good times and in bad, but especially to let your partner know how much you appreciate them, you can boost your chances of having a marriage that lasts. And once you've nailed the communication factor, you can lean into a few other tips and tricks that are scientifically proven to lead to a successful marriage.

If you or someone you know is dealing with domestic abuse, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233. You can also find more information, resources, and support at their website.

The saying "communication is key" might sound cliché, but things typically become clichéd because they work. In this case, communication has been proven to be a staple of healthy, long-lasting relationships. A 2023 study published in the International Journal of Research in Education, Science and Technology found that effective communication has a number of positive impacts on a marriage, including an increase in "trust, honesty, and respect" between partners. Additionally, the study found that spouses who communicate effectively are better able to understand each other and, as a result, experience improved relationship satisfaction. It's no wonder, then, that the University of Rochester's Health Encyclopedia lists clear and frequent communication as one of the keys to a successful marriage. 

While the 2023 study maintains that couples should discuss everything from intimacy to children, the University of Michigan's Dr. Kim Cameron told Psychology Today that communicating "genuine appreciation" is another scientifically proven way to boost your chance of a successful marriage. By noticing your partner's positive traits and actions and letting them know how much you appreciate them, you can make your spouse feel seen.

Luckily, there are a few simple ways to improve communication in your relationship. Along with regularly showing gratitude to your partner, try to ask stimulating questions that will help you get to know them more intimately, and encourage them to open up to you. Note that effective communication is a two-way street, and mastering active listening can really make a difference in your relationship. It also helps to make eye contact when you're having these deep conversations with your spouse to, again, help them feel seen and heard. And while there's certainly room for these more meaningful chats, also make space for plenty of lighter interactions, including inside jokes and simply checking up on them throughout the day.

As well as communicating your gratitude and appreciation for your partner, Dr. Kim Cameron shared with Psychology Today that supporting your spouse — both in good and bad times — is an important part of a successful marriage. When your significant other is going through it, being there for them to lean on will bring you closer together. Likewise, be your spouse's cheerleader during their best and happiest moments; celebrate their success, and encourage them to keep going when they need it. A 2006 study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology discovered a positive correlation between couples showing "enthusiastic support" for each other's good news and feelings of being "understood, validated, and cared for." 

Supporting your partner as they chase their dreams involves celebrating small victories they achieve and actively listening to their experiences, while also resisting the urge to criticize or micromanage them. In theory, couples that love each other should be over the moon when one of them achieves the success they've been chasing, but the reality is that this can bring up some tricky feelings. It's normal to compare your own success to your partner or feel inadequate next to your spouse, but try to avoid making those comparisons. As long as the marriage isn't entirely about them, and they support and celebrate you in return, helping your partner shine will often lead to greater relationship satisfaction for you both. 

Though a healthy relationship can enhance your life and greatly contribute to your happiness, it's important to be realistic: Marriage takes work. Just like houseplants, marriages need a little watering. Naturally, coming together with another person — entering into a legally binding contract against a background of passionate emotions and human flaws — is bound to call for patience and compromise. Research in the book "The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work" by Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver reveals that nourishing your bond is a pillar of successful marriage (via PsychCentral). Specifically, you'll want to actively attend to your relationship by doing things like planning date nights or, as previously mentioned, complimenting and praising your partner by communicating appreciation. These will help you to maintain those feelings of affection for your spouse, which is key in a long-lasting union. 

Trying a new activity together is a great way to reignite the spark in your long-term relationship, as can making an increased effort to show your partner affection. Fostering your relationship may also come down to keeping track of your emotions and how you interact with your partner. "If you can see [your partner] as a person and acknowledge who they are as a person, the empathy is going to come," University of Alberta family scientist Adam Galovan explains (via New Trail, the university's magazine). "You're going to realize, '... they're doing the best they can. I might not be happy with their behaviour right now, but I can try to understand where it's coming from and validate their feelings." No one can be in a good mood all the time, but by staying aware of how you feel, and reminding yourself that your spouse has valid feelings of their own, you can foster empathy and, thus, more connection.

Even in the happiest, most successful marriages, people make mistakes. There will be times when you hurt each other, knowingly and unknowingly. Of course, every person has their boundaries and deal-breakers, but as long as your spouse doesn't cross your non-negotiable lines, it's better to forgive a transgression than hold it against them. Moreover, forgiveness in a successful marriage extends to the period after you've resolved the issue at hand. Once the argument is done and dusted and the apology has been accepted, don't repeatedly bring up resolved issues. Dr. Kim Cameron emphasizes that this isn't about letting your spouse walk all over you (via Psychology Today). It's about freeing yourself of old grudges so your marriage can prosper.

This theory is supported by a 2011 study in the Journal of Family Psychology, which found that forgiveness leads to increased "relationship satisfaction." This is because forgiveness reduces ongoing conflict in the relationship, as letting go of resentment makes it less likely that you'll continue to rehash old fights. The study found that it also results in better conflict resolution when new issues arise. Of course, forgiveness is easier said than done in some cases, particularly when you're feeling extremely hurt. It's okay if you're not ready for an apology straight away, or if the transgression was bad enough, at all. Navigating these emotions can be challenging, but you can start by getting clear on your boundaries, values, and goals. Consider factors like whether or not your spouse is remorseful, whether or not the transgression was out of character, and how happy your relationship makes you overall. Unpacking all of this can be overwhelming, and sometimes, chatting with a therapist or couples therapist can help you to find the best solution.

You read that correctly. Contrary to popular belief, a successful marriage is not about abandoning every other relationship in your life and dedicating all of your time and energy to your spouse. In the book "For Better: How the Surprising Science of Happy Couples Can Help Your Marriage Succeed," which compiles research and statistics relating to happy marriages, author Tara Parker-Pope theorizes that it's important to maintain other relationships in your life, even if your focus is your marriage. " ... married couples have a lot to gain by fostering their relationships with family members and friends," she writes, adding that "the happiest couples ... have interests and support 'beyond the twosome'" (via TIME Magazine). So, no, you don't have to become that person who ditches all of their friends after the wedding. 

That said, Parker-Pope stresses that happily married couples should still make each other the priority, even if they reserve time and energy for other relationships, too. This fits in with Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver's finding that the most successful marriages feature spouses that consistently "turn toward each other instead of away" from each other, per PsychCentral. It's still vital to pay your partner the attention they deserve, listen to them, and support them, but you can do all of that while still forging deeper adult friendships and remaining close with your family.