Early Red Flags That A Relationship Won't Work Out

Cataloging red flags in your relationships isn't easy, especially in the early days. There's a reason we call that first flush of romance "the honeymoon period" — it's the stage when everything feels beautiful, and nothing hurts. However, this is also when partners can set harmful precedents, as our lovey-dovey hormones make us more optimistic and forgiving than we might be otherwise.

As trauma specialist Annalie Howling told The Handbook this October, "Early dating is a difficult time to take a measure of red flags unless they are glaring. ... We are in the process of getting to know someone and are not yet sure of what is nerves or incompatibility. Throw on a load of chemistry and some rose-tinted spectacles and it can be very tricky to see the wood for the trees." If you have to get realistic about deal-breaking behaviors, though, it's better to do it before you've invested too much of your precious time and energy into a romance. Howling's best advice is to ignore pretty words and zero in on your new partner's behavior, with the expert adding to The Handbook, "People can tell you anything they want but it's their actions that show you who they are. ... Pay attention to patterns, not promises."

Of course, this means knowing which signs to be wary of. Even in the dreamy early days of a relationship, certain patterns should set off your internal alarms and let you know it isn't going anywhere, including red flags like love bombing, possessiveness, and a litany of supposedly unhinged exes.

The early days of a partnership always feel like a flirty, bubbly love-fest. However, it can get even more over-the-top, especially if you're dealing with a red flag known as "love bombing." Love bombing is like putting your relationship's honeymoon period on steroids, reaching "Romeo and Juliet" levels of intense wooing. For instance, some common signs you're being love bombed might include endless compliments, immediate declarations of adoration and devotion, excessive gifts, and going very quickly from strangers to being joined at the hip.

At first glance, this might sound like a pleasant way to kick off a relationship. Unfortunately, the dazzling display of love bombing may be covering up some less-than-wholesome intentions. Some of the typical reasons behind love bombing may, at best, include loneliness, insecurity, or an unwillingness to be authentically vulnerable. At worst, though, love bombers may be intentionally manipulating you to inflate their own ego or gain control of your life.

"It's just a way to get you to depend on them and turn a blind eye on the things that they really want to do," a therapist named Max warned BuzzFeed back in 2022. "This could be just wanting you to depend on them so you never leave... or it can be more insidious — allowing them to engage in sneaky or abusive behaviors." Max's motto? "Think of it as adult grooming. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is."

Protecting your peace can be tough, especially when you meet someone new and want to seem easygoing. But you still can — and should — set healthy boundaries while casually dating. This saves your mental and emotional well-being in the short term, plus draws an all-important line in the sand going forward. Perhaps most critically, setting boundaries tells you something important about a potential partner: Will they treat you with respect?

Early on, overly forward partners may test your boundaries in various ways. As relationship coach Susan Trotter, PhD, explained to Business Insider in 2023, "They might overshare about their life. They might ask you too many personal questions. They may get too touchy or sexual early on. They may be pushy about ordering more drinks or staying later than you want. ... Any one of these behaviors is a boundary issue and a significant red flag."

This can also include seemingly innocuous infringements on your physical space, like unwanted tickling, pinching, or snuggling. "Like with all boundaries, we want to ensure that someone is respecting the ways in which we tell them how to treat us," couples counselor Folashade Adekunle, MEd, told Self in 2023. Ignoring boundaries, even in a supposedly playful way, "might be a sign that this person won't respect these boundaries over time. We want people to be able to hear 'no' and 'stop' and take us seriously," Adekunkle explained. Essentially, if your new partner won't make the minimal effort to respect simple limits now, they probably won't respect tougher, more important boundaries down the road.

Occasionally, life demands a reset. Someone might get a new job, move to a new city, or exit a toxic friend group for their own sanity. But sometimes, social isolation can tell a more ominous story, which is why you shouldn't date someone without close friends — at least, not until you find out why they're on their own.

As psychotherapist Lisa Lawless exclusively revealed to Glam this September, "A lack of close friends can sometimes indicate deeper issues, like an unwillingness or inability to be vulnerable. ... If someone doesn't have those close connections, it might suggest they've struggled with intimacy or trust in the past." This could easily translate to poor communication and emotional distance in your own developing relationship, throwing up hurdles from the start.

Worse yet, this lack of an outside support system can quickly lead to codependency. "If they don't have anyone else to lean on, they may rely heavily on their partner to meet all of their emotional needs, which can lead to an unbalanced and unhealthy dynamic," Dr. Lawless added. In other words, if your date has no BFFs, all that pressure could end up falling on you. So, ask yourself: How willing are you to shoulder their entire emotional burden? Because that could be what this red flag is heading toward.

Many of us have had a relationship or two go totally off the rails, but if your new partner insists that every ex in their history was at fault or "crazy" in some way and takes no personal responsibility for any of those breakups, it might show a lack of self-awareness and emotional intelligence. "When people describe all of their exes as terrible people and put all the blame on them for the relationship's failure, this is a red flag for me," psychologist Elinor Greenberg, PhD, explained to Business Insider last year. "It practically shouts: 'I cannot take any responsibility for whatever went wrong. I have not learned anything from these relationships. It is totally up to you to make our relationship work.'"

Etiquette rules discourage us from talking about past relationships on the first date, but as you get to know each other better, try probing gently into their romantic history. Have their interactions with every past partner ended in a black-and-white, good-or-bad emotional dichotomy? That's probably not a good sign.

Speaking to Self last year, couples counselor Gina Senarighi advised approaching this situation with "extreme caution." If a new partner has done no personal reflection and casts themselves as the guiltless victim in every relationship, "the odds are good that they're going to lack that same kind of insight now with you," Senarighi extrapolated. And in a few months, you may be the next "crazy ex" they're complaining about while speed dating.

Sometimes, a tiny hint of jealousy can feel thrilling, like you're being valued and desired. But when your partner's jealousy becomes actionable, you may have a problem. At any point in a relationship, whether you're on your first date or your 201st, possessive and controlling tendencies should be the reddest of red flags. One early indicator of controlling behavior may be incessant check-ins. "If someone is constantly texting you, they have a high need to be in communication with you," social worker Karen Salerno cautioned the Cleveland Clinic in 2022. "Often, with that, come those power and control questions like, 'Where are you?' 'Who are you with?' and 'When are you getting home?'"

Healthy communication is one thing, but invasive demands on your time and attention are something else. Salerno added that this could even be a sign of worse behavior to come: "Initially, someone might feel flattered by the amount of time their partner wants to spend with them. However, that really could be a red flag if someone is trying to isolate you and gain control over your schedule."

This urge for power and control is often a hallmark of abusive partnerships. If you notice an escalation of jealousy and possessiveness — such as interfering in your relationships with family and friends, exerting influence over your career choices, taking over your finances or income, or monitoring your communications — don't write it off. You may need to seek help or remove yourself from the situation entirely.

If you or someone you know is dealing with domestic abuse, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233. You can also find more information, resources, and support at their website.