Psychotherapist Tells Us What To Do If Your Friends Are Giving You The 'Platonic Ick'

Human relationships are complicated. In an ideal world, BFFs would remain besties forever and a day, and high school sweethearts would grow old together, still experiencing butterflies when they lay eyes on each other. But in reality, couples break up and best friends drift apart. So if your friends are suddenly giving you the "platonic ick," know that this is not uncommon and there is nothing to be ashamed of. However, this sudden aversion could be a telltale sign that your friendship is coming to an end. So, what do you do?

Glam spoke exclusively with Dr. Courtney Tracy, licensed psychotherapist and founder of Exist Centers, a borderline personality disorder treatment program in California, to help us understand exactly what the platonic ick is and how to deal with it to salvage your friendship.

According to our psychotherapist, this phenomenon "is when something about your friend suddenly starts to really bug you, even if it never did before. It could be the way they laugh, how they tell the same story over and over, or any small habit that suddenly feels annoying. It's similar to 'romantic icks,' which happen in dating relationships, but this is strictly about friendships." 

It goes without saying that if a person seems to be annoying you from the beginning, you won't be friends with them. But the platonic ick appears out of nowhere, in friendships that always seemed to be healthy. One day your friendship is rock solid, and then the next day, little things seem to get on your nerves.

Often, it's not so much that your friend is acting any different (although this could also be the case), but the issue is that you're paying attention to little things that you used to ignore before because you've gone through some kind of change. One of the reasons why being in different life stages can make your friendships suffer is because this may cause you to view your friend in a new light and pick up on mannerisms you never noticed. 

"Getting frustrated with friends can happen for a bunch of reasons," Dr. Courtney Tracy tells us during our exclusive interview. "Sometimes, it's because of little things that build up over time until you can't ignore them anymore. Other times, it just hits you out of nowhere, maybe because you're going through some changes yourself. Stress, personal growth, or shifting priorities can make you notice things that didn't bug you before."

According to a 2007 study published in The Journal of Happiness Studies, quality best friendships predict emotional well-being and happiness. It's hardly surprising, then, that 61% of Americans consider having close friends as extremely important for a fulfilling life (as compared to having children, having a lot of money, and being married, which were all rated as significantly less important in a 2023 survey), per Pew Research Center.

So, it makes sense that you want to save your friendship (after all, "best friendship" takes more than 300 hours to build, per 2018 research published in The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships). "Dealing with the 'platonic ick' starts with figuring out what's really bugging you. Is it really about your friend, or is it more about what's going on in your own life?" Dr. Courtney Tracy tells Glam exclusively. The truth is we are often less willing to compromise or show understanding when we are going through hardships, which is why communication is key. After all, communicating your worries and your needs shouldn't only happen in romantic relationships.

"Be honest but kind when talking to your friend about how you're feeling," Dr. Tracy emphasizes. "Clear, direct communication can often help sort things out. Remember, friendships have their ups and downs, and it's okay to take some space if you need it. Be patient with yourself and your friend as you work through it."