Unspoken Rules You Need To Know Before Going On A Date

We tend to think of unspoken rules as universal standards of etiquette, and in the realm of modern dating, we might think certain rules, like avoiding talking about exes, ring true for everyone. However, sometimes people show up to a date with their own unspoken dating rules, creating an invisible minefield of expectations. How are you supposed to navigate this extra complication in the already stressful landscape of dating?

To get the lowdown on these unspoken dating rules, Glam spoke exclusively to Nicole Moore. As a celebrity love and relationship coach, body language expert, and the founder and CEO of Love Works Method, Moore has seen a lot of romantic interference crop up from dating preconceptions. "The issue with unspoken rules is the assumption that others operate the same way you do," Moore explains. "Unspoken rules in relationships are most harmful when they're left unspoken because then the chances of misunderstanding ... are the highest."

In other words, checking your assumptions at the door is typically the best route. The expert also highlights some common dating rules she's witnessed throughout her career. If something isn't quite gelling in a new relationship, keep a lookout for these unspoken rules that might be hindering potential partners. Or, if you carry any of these unspoken rules yourself, don't assume they're understood — instead, communicate them clearly to avoid unnecessary strife.

Nicole Moore's first unspoken dating rule is one of those sneaky ideas that sounds universal but isn't: the concept that as you spend more time together, you should put the relationship front and center in your life. "Many people have an expectation that as feelings increase, they will prioritize the other person in their life and that the other person should automatically do the same," Moore exclusively tells Glam. "There is an unspoken dating rule that at a certain point ... both parties will automatically begin to include the other person in their decision-making when it comes to future events, weekends, or holidays."

But as the dating guru advises us, we shouldn't assume anything about a new partner's rules for romance. "This unspoken dating rule .... can often lead to loads of disappointment if the person you're dating doesn't prioritize you as you think they should," Moore cautions. This is where it becomes important to clarify your relationship together. Don't be embarrassed to ask the big questions: Are we exclusive? What does dating exclusively even mean for us? How involved are we as partners, or how much independence do we each need? Are we comfortable sharing weekend getaways? How about family gatherings or friends' weddings?

If anyone is feeling unappreciated or taken for granted, you may also want to make sure your love languages are aligned. If you express your regard differently, it's possible that they're prioritizing you and showing affection in ways you haven't noticed, and vice versa.

Surely we've all had that one friend who only answers texts two weeks later, if at all. This doesn't necessarily mean that they don't value your friendship — it's just their (sometimes frustrating) communication style. Nicole Moore reminds us that the same can hold true for romantic partners. "Instead of assuming that the other person will automatically communicate with you more often as feelings or dates increase, it's better to share expectations around communication ahead of time," Moore exclusively tells us.

Of course, you don't want to come across as needy or demanding. Moore suggests approaching the issue without expressing judgment or making ultimatums, instead saying something like, "I know everyone has different styles and preferences for communicating when dating and I'd rather ask about yours than assume. I'm a person who really enjoys speaking with the person I'm dating via text or phone in between dates, and I welcome regular contact. What about you?"

It might sound a bit stiff, but as Moore explains, this direct approach gives you a chance to share your preferences and gain insight into your date's. Hopefully, it will also clue you in if they're a poor pen pal, so you won't take their habitual text silence as a personal slight. That said, remember that you don't always have to go above and beyond in a relationship without getting effort in return. A partner who never contacts you first could be a sign that you're wasting time on your current crush.

Talking about sex can be awkward, especially in the early days of a romance. But as Nicole Moore exclusively warns Glam, your ideas about the "right" time to get intimate might not line up with your date's. "Most people come into dating and relationships with unspoken rules about when sex is supposed to happen. ... Be aware that the person you're dating might have different rules around sex than you do," Moore explains.

While some people may be in a hurry to connect sexually, others may be more likely to pump the brakes. "Some people have a rule that they'll only get intimate once true feelings develop," she explains. "Others feel that they need to be intimate in order to see if real feelings are there." Once again, the key to jumping this hurdle is talking things out to ensure you're on the same page. "You'll both likely enjoy sex way more .... if both parties have communicated what they need to feel safe getting intimate," Moore advises. "It's your right to communicate your boundaries and desires around sex."

Not sure how to broach the subject? Moore suggests keeping things positive and respectful yet firm by saying something like, "I wanted to ... see what your personal preferences are around sex and dating to make sure I honor your boundaries and vice versa. Could we talk about expectations?" or protecting your values with, "This is great but I have a personal rule that I won't have sex with anyone until there's commitment." If a partner gets pushy or offended, that's a red flag — and all the answer you need about them.

First dates can feel like they happen in a private little bubble, but as a relationship goes on, it's only natural that your social circles start to impact the partnership. For some people, this can even be crucial. As Nicole Moore exclusively tells Glam, "Many people feel they can't fully commit unless they've seen how the person they're dating operates in scenarios other than one-on-one dates. ... The audition to be their future partner might ... [be] when you're around their family or friends."

This unspoken dating rule can be confusing if you're on the receiving end. After all, you're trying to date your partner, not their bestie, their cousin, or their mom. But Moore explains that this is a way for someone to test how well you fit in. "Many [people] feel that the person they're dating must mesh really well into their existing life, which includes vibing well with their friends and family." The love expert warns that a partner may even "stall on moving things further until they see how you operate with those nearest and dearest to them."

This could mean plunging head-first into group scenarios early on. While you may worry your relationship is moving too fast, Moore reveals that it could be a compliment: "People with this rule might recommend a group date ... because they really like you and they want to see how you mesh with their inner circle as quickly as possible."

Whereas meeting the family is a crucial test for some partners, the flip side is also possible: Some dates may see it as a privilege for the already committed. "Many people operate with an unspoken dating rule that they only bring really serious relationship partners around their inner circle," Nicole Moore exclusively tells Glam. "They don't want to face embarrassment if it doesn't end well or have others get disappointed that it didn't work out."

This doesn't mean that your date is trying to keep you secret — they may just need more certainty before they're comfortable merging their romantic life with their home life. Moore suggests asking about it politely rather than jumping to negative conclusions, saying, for instance, "I know everyone has different rules. ... Is the reason I haven't met anyone close to you yet because you prefer that to happen when the relationship is more committed, or is there something I should be aware of?"

Ultimately, it's better to talk through any confusion or miscommunications in the dating stage. It could be that you're operating from two different dating playbooks. "Remember that the people you date had whole lives before you where they decided things about love, dating, sex, and relationships way before you came into the picture," says Moore. "Try not to take things personally or project your unspoken rules on others. ... Instead, be as curious and communicative as possible."