'Gentle Friendshipping': How To Ensure Your Adult Friendships Thrive

One of the (many!) unfortunate realities of adulting is that friendships can become challenging to hold on to as we age. Without school, club sport, or college keeping you together, old friends can be hard to keep up with, especially as your lives travel down different paths at different paces. But experts believe we can still maintain these friendships, no matter what life throws at us, by practicing "gentle friendshipping."

You've most likely heard of gentle parenting, but the concept of "gentle friendshipping" — a term coined by PureWow's Dara Katz — has only entered the chat relatively recently. To find out exactly what it means, and how we can use it to keep from losing those friendships that double as our lifelines, we spoke exclusively with neuropsychologist Dr. Aldrich Chan. "'Gentle friendshipping' shares much of the same fundamentals as gentle parenting," he reveals. "Rooted in understanding the other with empathy, validation, and problem-solving, 'gentle friendshipping' and gentle parenting may appear similar." Dr. Chan explains that the power dynamics of these two kinds of relationships really distinguish them, since friends don't depend on each other for survival the way a child depends on a parent. 

While there is the key difference of power dynamics, we can apply the basic concepts of gentle parenting — including understanding, patience, and support — to our friendships, and hopefully, keep them strong and thriving.

'Gentle friendshipping,' which Dr. Aldrich Chan confirms revolves around understanding and validating those closest to you, can help when it feels like maintaining a friendship is impossible in the face of life's chaos. The key to this process is keeping the important values of empathy, support, and problem-solving at the fore, even when your busy lives make it difficult.

"Studies have supported the notion that the quality and quantity of social relationships may influence overall health and wellbeing," Dr. Chan tells Glam exclusively. "For this reason, keeping friendships alive when presented with unique challenges, such as when both parties are busy, is key. Although time may be limited, approaching the relationship with a supportive and abundance mindset, allowing the other to feel seen at an emotional level, and attempting to resolve issues with a contextual perspective and without judgement to what the other may be going through are core to a long-lasting relationship."

While trying to be more empathetic towards your friends, it's important to avoid engaging in simple people-pleasing, which is different. The goal isn't to say and do anything to make your friends happy, regardless of how it affects you, but to put yourself in their shoes and understand where they're coming from. Then, you can genuinely validate their feelings and struggles and make them feel seen, which will hopefully encourage the same behavior in return. 

'Gentle friendshipping' sounds easy enough, but when two besties are juggling work, kids, family, health issues, financial woes, and the grim state of the world in between them, it can be difficult to remember to prioritize empathy and support — let alone to actually put these into practice. Dr. Aldrich Chan reassures us that 'gentle friendshipping' often manifests through little things rather than grand gestures, however.

"To foster thriving friendships, small gestures, such as checking up on your friend, remembering things they say, and scheduling time to reconnect, may be the lifeblood to your relationship," he shares exclusively with Glam. "Sending a text to a friend to ask how they are or sending a funny meme that they might enjoy, shows the other that you are thinking about them." When it comes to remembering the things they say, Dr. Chan recommends making a note of the small details they mention or important events that take place in their lives, and asking about them. "Lastly, scheduling time to reconnect in today's busy world, can look like setting up a FaceTime happy hour or meeting for a quick coffee catch up session and can be powerful in maintaining a level connectedness in the friendship," he says.

Of course, effort is required to forge and maintain healthy friendships in adulthood, but it doesn't have to disrupt your busy life too extensively. Remember to check in with a quick text every now and then, respond to the texts that come your way, and schedule time together, even if it's infrequent. If your friends are important to you, it's always worth it.