Traits That Make Romantic Partners Stand Out Above All Others

The digital revolution has shaped the way we date. First impressions matter, and, unfortunately, our profile picture can determine a "left" or "right" swipe. As Benson Zhou, assistant professor at New York University Shanghai who studies sexuality and digital media, told CNN, the apps have transformed who we are into a set of data points that correlate to our physical appearance. "The person is not that concrete. They're reflected through numbers. The ... design of those dating apps should definitely be held accountable for this kind of dating culture. That's what they want to direct the user's attention to, and that's what is prioritized."

Granted, dating is hard. Finding the right partner can be challenging, and you may also find yourself navigating from relationship to relationship. If you're worried that your appearance is keeping you from finding the perfect partner, or if you think your love life hinges on losing weight, exercising, getting under-eye fillers, or achieving the ideal body type, then we have some great news for you! Research shows that when it comes to finding the one, people are after more than good looks. Many are on the hunt for characteristics that go a bit deeper, like intelligence, conscientiousness, and humor. 

A 2024 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior asked participants to rate which traits they considered the most important in a partner — socioeconomic status, intelligence, health, kindness, and physical attractiveness. The results of the study indicated that regardless of gender or sexual orientation, the participants placed kindness and intelligence at the top of their lists.

One of the study's authors, Joao Francisco Goes Braga Takayanagi, told PsyPost, "The main takeaway of this study is that intelligence and kindness are the most desired traits of a partner, even in comparison to beauty, money, or health. This is true for both men and women and across the sexual orientation spectrum." Plus, research shows that some of the most attractive traits a man can have — and women, too! — are kindness and compassion.

And this makes sense if you think about it. Would you prefer to be in a relationship with a stunning-looking person who is, however, unkind? Looks fade, but character stays. Similarly, don't you want to be with a person that you can have intelligent conversations with? Exactly. So stop fretting about your appearance, baby! You are amazing, just as you are. Intelligence (including emotional intelligence) and kindness are far more important traits.

The iconic Charlie Chaplin said, "A day without laughter is a day wasted," while "Humor is mankind's greatest blessing" was a belief held by notorious American author Mark Twain. Indeed, humor is what helps us push through the hardships of life and keep at it with a positive attitude. And guess what? Being funny is another one of those traits that make us more desirable to potential partners!

According to the authors of the chapter "Humour in Romantic Relationships" from the book "The Palgrave Handbook of Humour Research," couples who employ humor as part of their daily interactions report being happier in their relationship. They also make up more easily after a fight, and are more willing to forgive and lovingly move forth with their partnership.

However, you need to distinguish between positive and negative humor. As evolutionary psychologist Dr. Gil Greengross writes in Psychology Today, "For dating couples, the use of positive humor (for example, using humor to cheer up your date) can positively contribute to relationship satisfaction. The use of aggressive humor, on the other hand (teasing and making fun of your partner), has the opposite effect. These feelings can fluctuate on a day-to-day basis, depending on each partner's use of humor."

According to a 2006 research study published in Personality and Individual Differences, participants tend to prefer romantic partners who exhibit higher traits of agreeableness, extroversion, and conscientiousness, but lower traits of neuroticism (than themselves). So, if you're looking to stand out as a potential love interest, try to keep your neurotic tendencies in check. 

In an article for Psychology Today, Dr. Seth J. Gillihan, a licensed psychologist specializing in mindful cognitive behavioral therapy, writes, "People low in neuroticism don't tend to be easily upset, and can recover relatively quickly from difficult emotions like anger or sadness. They aren't often overwhelmed by anxiety, and are able to experience a lot of happiness and contentment." Moreover, Dr. Gillihan describes that people high in agreeableness will not enter an argument easily, and if they do, they calmly talk things through. Plus, they don't get easily offended or misunderstand your words and actions, meaning you don't have to be constantly on edge when around them. They are easy-going and easy to be around. So, ask yourself, how agreeable am I? 

A conscientious person is one you can count on and is a super important trait in relationships. After all, a relationship is, for all intents and purposes, a partnership — and you need a partner you can depend on, who is perceptive to your needs, and who you can share responsibilities with. "A highly conscientious partner is dutiful and responsible, and consistently fulfills their commitments. They do what they say they will do, pay their bills on time, show up on time, and take care of their belongings. Conversely, those who are low on conscientiousness tend to be careless, underachieving, and irresponsible," writes psychologist Seth J. Gillihan in Psychology Today.

According to social worker, researcher, and speaker, Brené Brown, you can't always expect the relationship to be 50/50 — it just doesn't work out that way in real life. Instead, what you can expect is the sum of your partnership to total 100. So, if you want to be a conscientious partner, you need to understand where your significant other is at. One day, you might be giving 60% while they give 40%, but on other days, it'll be you giving your best 40% while your conscientious partner fills in the rest.

Knowing one's worth and value is an important trait when looking for a partner. As licensed professional counselor Dr. Laura Schenck writes on her website, Mindfulness Muse, knowing your own worth is paramount in relationships, and she coined this trait as "marketability." It makes perfect sense, really. People want to be with people who love themselves, know their value, are confident, and are not seeking constant external validation. People who are unsure of their worth can struggle with insecurity, and that insecurity can make its way into the relationship.

On Quora, one contributor confessed that even though she had considered marriage with her partner, she didn't go through with it because his insecurities overpowered their relationship. Her partner often expressed that he thought more highly of herself than he did of his own person, and that she would be better off with someone else; he even felt embarrassed walking next to her on the street because he found her more attractive than he perceived himself to be. The thing is, this individual hadn't even considered her partner's flaws until he persistently pointed them out — ultimately leading to the end of their relationship.

According to Dr. Schenck, "The most desirable romantic partners are aware of their realistic 'value' in the eyes of others. ... They have strong ideas and values about what qualities they believe are important and have a realistic sense of their positive (and negative) attributes." When you know your worth, you can expect others to recognize your value (and how you respect yourself), too.