Contra-Dating: The Dating Trend That Pushes You Out Of Your Comfort Zone

Contra-dating is the newest relationship trend making waves in the 2024 dating scene. This trend pushes people to step outside of their comfort zones and, in doing so, increase their chances of finding their perfect matches. Our daily lives are so hectic that we barely have time to invest in finding our soulmates, and the numbers prove just how hard it is: According to 2023 United States Census data, over 40% of American adults — over 127 million people — are single.

With the rise of dating apps — and even their prompts that let your matches learn more about you — one would expect dating to become significantly easier. After all, dating apps garnered a total revenue of $5.61 billion in 2021 and reached 366 million users in 2022. Why is it, then, that so many people are single if so many are actively looking for relationships?

One of the reasons is that we all seem to have a type and keep searching for that one person who will tick all our boxes. And with such a wide selection of people on dating apps, it becomes "easier to locate a broader swath of people you might not ordinarily be exposed to," as clinical psychologist Dr. Chloe Carmichael explained to Verywell Mind. So, instead of allowing ourselves to go out with someone who ticks fewer boxes, we keep looking for the one who's just right. However, contra-dating can change this. 

Contra-dating, much like its name suggests, means going against your natural inclination of searching for your type and deliberately choosing to go out with a person you normally wouldn't. So, to make contra-dating work, you must be open-minded and willing to look beyond, say, someone's physical appearance. Sure, first impressions matter — and swiping left or right depends on whether you like what you see — but in contra-dating, you must learn not to judge a book by its cover and devote time to getting to know the other person.

According to relationship expert Dr. Viviana Coles, the benefits of contra-dating are multifaceted. "Maybe you'll find new things about yourself," Dr. Coles told Fox26 Houston. Moreover, you'll meet new people and engage in new conversations, which can help build your worldview, too. Plus, you can expand your social circle, acquire new interests, and try new hobbies.

Additionally, you may actually discover that what you want isn't necessarily what you need if you give this trend a whirl. "We can really get boxed in by what we think we want and need, and we don't allow room for people to surprise us," sex and dating coach Myisha Battle told HuffPost. "In my book, I encourage readers to ditch their lists of potential partner qualities for this very reason. I think this is especially helpful when it comes to dating people outside of a specific race or ethnic preference that people may have."

While there are several benefits to stepping outside your comfort zone and looking outside your usual type, there are some potential downsides you need to be aware of.

For starters, when contra-dating, you can find yourself adjusting to the other person and compromising your values. While remaining open to dating someone outside of your type, you still need to stay true to yourself and your values. To avoid this downside, define your non-negotiables from the get-go. "Non-negotiables might include preferences regarding having children, work-life balance, religion, sex or specific lifestyle elements, like sobriety or fitness," licensed clinical social worker Nicole Saunders told HuffPost. "Outside of these few non-negotiables, it's fine to be somewhat flexible with qualities such as physical appearance, income, occupation, prior children, previous marriages, and so on."

Another potential downside to contra-dating is the societal pressure and judgment that can come from dating outside of societal norms or what's expected of you. People may encounter disapproval from friends, family, or even strangers who hold traditional relationship views. Unfortunately, several dating taboos, such as age gaps and differences in religion, still exist. Overcoming these expectations and staying true to yourself can be an additional hurdle in contra-dating, especially when the person you think is right for you isn't "right" in the eyes of some others. Still, you may find that giving contra-dating a try is worth it.